Miscarriage Comedy Jam Pt. 1-- Blighted Ovum Stimulus Package

egg
Originally uploaded by House Of Sims

WARNING: The following may be totally crude, lewd, and offensive --especially if you have had a miscarriage. I apologize for any pain this post causes. My intention is only to heal myself.

Ok, I have had 5 miscarriages. To be specific, 2 spontaneous miscarriages and 3 blighted ova.

The American Pregnancy Association says the following about blighted ovum:
when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant.

Basically, you have a positive pregnancy test and you may feel pregnant -- morning sickness, et al., but PSYCH! You're not pregnant. You have a sac but no heartbeat, no fetus. The cells that make the sac did their job. The others were lazy and ineffective -- this part I like to blame on my husband's cellular contributions.

While having a blighted ovum is a common reason for miscarriage (cause of 50% of 1st trimester miscarriages), it's uncommon to have more than one. Ding! Ding! Ding! I have won the freak lottery by having had three of them in a span of 2 1/2 years.

Blighted ovum. Hmm. Interesting phrase. Actually a pretty horrible phrase. According to Merriam-Webster:

blight
Verb
1 : to affect (as a plant) with blight
2 : to impair the quality or effect of blighted his son's life — Patricia Guthrie>

blight
Noun
1 a: a disease or injury of plants marked by the formation of lesions, withering, and death of parts (as leaves and tubers)b: an organism (as an insect or a fungus) that causes blight
2: something that frustrates plans or hopes
3: something that impairs or destroys
4: a deteriorated condition blight>

Blighted Ovum -- it certainly frustrated my plans and hopes. Hopes and plans: a baby, a sibling for my daughter, a family of four. It impaired and destroyed my hopes, plans, dreams and happiness and resulted in my deteriorated condition (physically and mentally).

Ok, so I have a "deteriorated condition." Who didn't know that. When I think of blight an image of run down city blocks, empty lots, and urban decay fill my head. Basically, crappy parts of Philly are in my uterus? Does some city agency need to come and hang a "condemned" sign from my pelvis?

Well let's fix that. What should we do, gentrification? Do I need another mate? Nope. We've had all the blood tests, had our chromosomes analyzed and been to a couple different fertility centers. My husband has good sperm, in fact they are like Michael Phelps. I have no trouble getting pregnant, hence the 5 miscarriages in 2 1/2 years. I could have had more, but it takes more sex and after each miscarriage I lock my knees like a virgin on prom night who hasn't been properly liquored up. It takes some time for me to get back in the saddle.

How about I stage a uterine rennaissance? I need a federal grant. I should probably establish an empowerment zone. Wait a minute, couldn't I get my hands on some of that stimulus money? It would be useful for the medical bills, and in this economy who couldn't use some extra bucks? I could use the money to beautify my ova. A tattoo? Jewelry? Wait a minute, I think Ty Pennington and his crew could join with Mike Rowe for an ABC/Discovery Channel exclusive "Extreme Makover/Dirty Jobs" episode. Oooh. Think of the drug companies who would line up to be commercial sponsors. Imagine the ratings when they've "moved that bus" from in front of my vagina.