Paging Dr. Shitty-Bedside-Manner

Caduceus Symbol - Medical Symbol MD
Originally uploaded by wcm1111

During my last failed pregnancy/miscarriage fiasco (#5), I had the most shiteous OB/GYN.  My husband didn't like him from the start because Dr. Charles Shitty-Bedside-Manner said, "Call me Chuck."  I wasn't focused on the name, I just wanted to know if everything was ok.

During the few weeks I was seen by this doctor I encountered the following situations:

1)  Chuck forgot about one of my appointments and I waited 3 (THREE) hours in his waiting room until his staff finally said he had gone to lunch and had some meetings in the afternoon.  WTF?   I am in America, not a Third World country!   I pay for f-ing good insurance and I was being treated like I was a comrade in a crappy clinic outside of Chernobyl.  

Now, at this point I had a positive pregnancy test.  I hadn't seen anything on the ultrasound the previous week, but it was early still.  I was starving and cranky.  I was finally able to see an associate of Dr. No-show who looked at my ultrasound and said she didn't see anything, and she was sorry, but I had another blighted ovum.  She asked if I needed a prescription to start the process of expelling the blighted ovum.  I was a little more than 6 weeks pregnant.  This substitute doctor wasn't giving me or the pregnancy a chance.  With my history of miscarriage and blighted ova, I wanted a little more time until a doctor could be 100% certain there was no hope for this pregnancy.  Is that too much to ask?  I think not.

2)  A couple of weeks later, an ultrasound revealed that I did indeed have another blighted ovum and Chuck and I discussed my options: let nature run it's course, take some pills, or have a D&C.  For a number of reasons I chose to have a D&C.  What I wasn't prepared for was the term of art Chuck wrote on my pre-op paperwork instead of D&C -- MISSED ABORTION.   Had I missed something?   I think not!  If I was missing anything, it was a properly developing fetus.  Abortion is a strong word that evokes a lot of emotion.   I am strongly pro-choice, but the last thing I wanted was an abortion.   I wanted a normal ultrasound.    I wanted a baby.  I wanted a different term for the procedure I was about to have performed to get rid of the empty sac that was "kickin it" in my uterus.

So I propose a new word. DUD.  I think DUD is great for a number of reasons.  According to Merriam-Webster: Dud (n.) : one that is ineffectual; failure; misfit.  What could be more perfect?

When my husband and I found out I was pregnant with our daughter and saw the first ultrasound image, we decided to call the small blob in the photo, "Spud."  It's what we called her throughout the pregnancy until she was born.  Dud then is the opposite of Spud.  It rhymes.  I like that.  It's a lot more innocuous of a term than MISSED ABORTION.  I can hear myself telling the receptionist at the hospital's surgery center, "Yes, I am here for outpatient surgery.  I have a Dud.  No, I haven't had anything to eat or drink after 9 o'clock last night."  I can see the email to my best friend, "Ugh!  Another f-ing Dud.  Can you believe it?  I swear I am going back on the pill when this is over."  So Chuck, next time, save your "missed abortion" for when you don't show up for an appointment with a patient who actually wants an abortion.

3)  Adding insult to injury, at my follow-up appointment with Chuck after the D&C I was put into an exam room from where I overheard Chuck in the hallway talking to a medical student who he was preparing to send in to see me.  Through the door, I could hear him tell the medical student, "The patient is here for a follow-up after a D&C a few weeks ago.  She has had several miscarriages, so don't go in there with a smile on your face."  Wow.  Who knew Chuck could be so sensitive?  Well, if he was so sensitive, he should have come in to see me WITH the med student.  I just wanted a quick check-up.  It was bad enough I had to sit in the waiting room with all those PREGNANT women.  Ugh!  Their big round bellies glaring at me and mocking me.  But now, I had to answer questions from this med student who was filling time until Chuck came in to see me by asking me what the purpose of my appointment was.  WHAT?  Then she asked for my OB-GYN history.  Hadn't I been through enough?  At that time, I was still grieving my recent loss.  I certainly didn't want to rehash all my pregnancy losses right then.  I just wanted to get checked out and go home.  Finally, after what seemed like forever and after I relived the history of my reproductive system, Chuck entered the exam room.  I wiped away my tears and braced for the physical exam realizing I was experiencing two more Duds, this time -- in the flesh.