MOOving On

On Friday I was happy to pull the Cow card from a deck of Animal Oracle cards.  Its attributes are Nourishment, Motherhood, and The Goddess.  The cow was with me as I indulged in a wonderful massage and celebrated my recent motherhood achievements.

The concept of motherhood is something I have struggled with.  I wanted to have children and I love my daughter, Abby, very much.  However, I didn't want to lose my identity.  I have thought that to be me and to stay true to myself I needed to raise my daughter while still continuing the life I was living before.  

The career-driven self I had developed didn't want to go quietly.  It didn't like watching kids cartoons or playing with dolls.  It was very vocal and somewhat bitchy.  

At times I am not the most patient, understanding or tolerant mother, but I know that I am a good mother.  Since Abby's birth I have struggled with wanting to resume my career versus staying home with my daughter.  Due to a series of circumstances I have not been able to return to my career since Abby was born.   I think the decision to stay home or to be a working mom is a difficult decision that is made for many different reasons by women everywhere.  In general, I don't think there is a right or a wrong choice.  It's a very personal decision.

Last week I embraced motherhood by undertaking that cumbersome school ritual -- making a costume.  I had to send Abby to school in a costume of an animal from a book for World Book Day.  Abby chose Puff the Magic Dragon.  At first I resisted.  Sewing is not my cup of tea.  I don't even sew a button back on if it comes off a pair of pants.  I spent a night scouring the internet for local costume stores and spent the next day trying to buy a costume for Abby.  I found a bear costume, but she didn't want to wear it.  Abby was adamant -- Puff the Magic Dragon.  She told me, "come on mom.  You can do it."

Finally something in me wondered why I wasn't supporting my daughter's choice and then I saw the sewing challenge ahead of me and I was ready to slay the dragon of making a costume for my daughter.  I bought some green clothing for Abby to wear and then I went to the fabric store and bought material and stuffing.  That night I cut, sewed and stuffed.  Several hours later I had a dragon tail and dragon ears attached to a headband.  It wasn't pretty, and the stitching looked like 5-year old Abby sewed it herself, but I was proud of myself.  More importantly, Abby was thrilled when she saw the dragon costume the next day and told me she was proud of me.

For some reason sewing the costume made me feel more like a mom than tucking Abby in at bedtime or giving her a band-aid when she has a cut.  Maybe its because my own mother wouldn't have hesitated to make the costume I wanted and she would have done it well.  I didn't think I could measure up.

Later, I was talking to my mother about her skilled costume design when I was a girl.  My mother confessed that she never made my costumes.  My mom had relatives make my beloved flower pot costume, my can of coca-cola costume and my beautiful bridal outfit that I wore when I was 5.

I realize now that I don't need to measure up to my mother.  I need to measure up to the mother that my daughter knows I can be.

"Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women's opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering." -- Elaine Heffner